The UC of Isaiah Gideon...written 2 weeks after his birth...
I just don’t know if there are words to do justice to the way my baby boy came into this world. To put it simply and maybe best, it was a little piece of heaven. I’ve never been closer to God or my family as I was in the moments he was born and after.
Even now, 2 weeks to the day after he was born, I have a hard time believing how amazing his birth was. I feel like I dreamed it all. While I was pregnant I only hoped, dreamed, that it would be what it was. I would live and relive those moments over and over again if I could and will draw on that experience any time in my life that I need strength or courage. Because of his birth I know myself better. His birth was about responsibility from the start. During pregnancy I was responsible for taking the best care of myself that I ever have in my life. During the 2 years prior to his birth I took responsibility for preparing and educating myself about birth and every possible path that birth could take. I surrounded myself with people who were also educated about birth. But ultimately in my mind, my soul, I had a perfect picture of what this birth would be and it was.
What it wasn’t was dramatic. Or scary. Or painful. It wasn’t anything that people typically envision in a birth. And it was nothing like you see on t.v. By all means, Isaiah’s entrance into this world would probably be classified by some, as boring.
A boring birth.
But really, I would not call it boring. Sure, it wouldn’t make for good t.v. but I wouldn’t call it boring. I would call it peaceful. Joyous. Beautiful. Calm. Relaxing. Even triumphant.
On July 22nd at 3:00 pm my family who had just visited prior to leaving for their trip to Hawaii for my brother’s wedding was getting ready to say goodbye. My husband worked the night shift that night and he woke up as they were leaving to see them off. At 3:30 he was getting ready to go to work and I sat down on the couch to relax after a long day. My 3 girls, 5, 3, and 1 were playing. They had woken early that morning and my 1 year old was getting very tired after a long day with no nap. We had spent the day shopping and having ‘girl’ time together as I knew that things would get busy when the baby arrived.
When I sat down on the couch I felt the baby drop. It happened very quickly and noticeably. Shortly after that I had this feeling that labor would be starting soon. By 4:00 Nick was ready to go to work. I wasn’t having regular contractions, just the same Braxton hicks/ prodromal labor that I had experienced for weeks prior. Instinctually I knew that it was going to happen that night. I just knew. I let him know this but told him to go to work anyway ’just in case it wasn’t’. We all said goodbye and he was off to work. It took him about an hour to get to work and would take him another hour to get home. By 5:00 I was still not having regular contractions. They were still the same and still barely noticeable. I cleaned my house, helped my girls get ready for bed, washed all the laundry and took care of anything that I knew I wouldn‘t want to worry about once the baby did arrive. I was doing these things instinctually and that instinct was telling me that baby would be on the way very soon. I took a bath because I was tired and just wanted to relax. I sang along to my Ipod and could hear my older girls singing along from in their room while they were playing with their toys. I called Nick at work. He called back just after 5:00 and I told him he should come home or he might miss the birth. He was home by 6:00 and I was playing barbies with our girls. Our 1 year old had fallen asleep and it was just my oldest 2 still awake. When Nick got home he thought maybe my call was a false alarm. I was calm, relaxed, and not in pain. I did ask him to rub my back because it was tired after a long day. I was still keeping busy and my girls helped me switch the clothes from the washer to the dryer. It was almost 7:00 and I decided to lay down and rest a little. Still no regular or painful contractions. I went to the bathroom and half expected some signs of labor but nothing.
I went to go back to our room and lay down when my dh said, something along the lines of ‘so, we’ll have the baby tomorrow maybe?’ He was thinking he could go to sleep. I said, ‘no, baby will be here soon’. It was after 7:00 (7:15? I’m not sure…time is fuzzy at this point) I couldn’t sit still. I needed to be moving, pacing, walking, and I walked down our hall, into our living room, and then back into the bathroom. That was transition. It lasted about 5 minutes from the time I told Nick baby would be here soon and it never hurt. It was also the only time I had a regular contraction pattern or contractions that felt slightly more noticeable than Braxton hicks. My body then started to bear down. I wanted to be in the tub at first and the feeling of the water from the shower was very relaxing and soothing. Nick checked in on me and I think he finally believed that baby was going to be born soon. I reached down and felt the bag of water bulging. I told him that it was very close. Then I wanted to be out of the tub. I got out and Nick gave me towels to dry off. I made my way to our room and onto our bed.
Once I got on the bed I reached down again and felt a hairy head and shortly after that I knew I needed to slowly breathe him out. Nick and my girls were there with me, they were just watching and waiting quietly and patiently. When baby’s head came out I heard my older daughter say “I see the baby’s head!” I had my hand on baby’s head as it crowned and in the same contraction as the head was born the shoulders turned and baby’s body slid gently out into my hands onto the bed. He cried right away and was immediately pink. He looked around and then gave another good cry. I was so busy looking at him that I didn’t even think to look and see if he was a boy or a girl. We didn’t find out because we opted not to have an ultrasound. Nick asked and when I looked I half expected him to be a girl. I said “it’s a boy!!”
Within 15 minutes of his birth he was breastfeeding and the placenta came out. He ate for a half hour nearly every hour for the first 12 hours of his life, my milk came in the 2nd day, and has been a great eater! I’ve even kept up with the demands of cloth diapering a newborn (this is the biggest surprise for me!). He weighed in at 9lb 2oz on the fish scale Nick bought for his birth...our “catch of the day” as he called him :)
Isaiah Gideon was born exactly how I hoped he would be. He had a peaceful entrance into this world. I was able to listen to my body and my instincts and do everything I needed to so he could have a safe and peaceful birth. I knew myself enough to know exactly what I needed for his birth and I know birth enough to know exactly what I needed to bring him safely into this world. I had hoped I would “know” I was “in labor” sooner this time (last time I didn’t know until an hour before she was born!) and I did. Even though my labors aren’t ’traditional’, instinctually I *just knew*. I had hoped I would enjoy it and soak it all up and I did. I had hoped my husband and my girls would be able to witness it and they did. I had hoped for the birth that was perfect for me and our baby and it was. I am so thrilled that my girls were able to see a baby, their brother, brought into this world in such a way, that they too may someday birth without pain or fear and it might be a joyous and beautiful event for them too. I feel so incredibly blessed!
Monday, September 28, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
My journey to Unassisted Birth...
This is the journey that has no definite beginning. I'm not sure, precisely, at what moment I realized that I would choose to birth unassisted. I only know that several events led me to choose this and drew me to this option. It was shortly after my hospital vba2c. It was a wonderful, amazing, and empowering birth. I have always said that the only thing I would change was the location. My vba2c was my first experience in giving birth. It was also very close to being free from unnecessary interventions. I saw how smoothly and beautifully my body worked exactly how God created it to. Not a single intervention was needed to make this happen and I was not afraid to give birth. In fact, I looked forward to it. I attribute that to being why I felt almost no pain. Seeing my body work that way was probably what initiated this journey. It took finding confidence in birth as a physiologically normal event and trusting that my body would work exactly how it should.
I knew immediately after that birth that any of my future births would take place at home. I was a few months post-partum, not pregnant again nor expecting to be anytime soon, but I started interviewing midwives. They were all wonderful. In fact, the first midwife I ever encountered, happened to be one who's words alone gave me the courage to pursue my vba2c. She may not remember me, but I will never forget how she gave me strength to pursue one of the most amazing experiences of my life. And the words of another midwife (now I consider her a very good friend) were the words that gave me the strength to achieve my vba2c. So from there, my search for a midwife began in the cold winter. I am a planner and I would be prepared if I were to become pregnant again. After interviewing several midwives, some of whom I talked with for hours on end, I gained knowledge and a new resolve to advocate for natural birth. Everything they said resonated with me. I started to see birth in a whole new light. It became clear to me that birth IS a normal thing that rarely needs interference. Again, these women may never remember their conversations with me, but I will carry with me forever the wisdom they were able to share with me.
At some point, after interviewing the midwives, I started to actually imagine my own home birth. I remembered a dream I had where I was giving birth. It was shortly after my hospital vba2c that I had this dream. The dream picked up at the moment in real life where I had left for the hospital. Instead in the dream I stayed home. My baby was born smoothly, easily, and very peacefully in my bedroom. I was the only one there. The dream didn't scare me. At the time I had the dream I didn't think much of it. It was beautiful and I equated that to the joy I felt about just giving birth.
But I started to think about this dream. I had only heard once before of a woman giving birth alone but never thought about it more after that. Until I started to imagine my own home birth and my dream kept replaying in my head. It was exactly what I wanted--a peaceful, gentle, and calm, easy birth. So I started to look into homebirth more. I came across women who did give birth alone and I came across Laura Shanley's website. Everything I read was perfectly in line with what I felt innately about birth. I couldn't stop reading or learning. I read everything I could about unassisted birth and how to prepare for one. In one sense, I had seen my own birth go so perfectly and without a single complication, but I wanted to be fully prepared for any of the unexpected possibilites.
At every opportunity I educated myself and prepared myself for my next birth. It was over a year of intense study and learning before I found out I was expecting my 4th baby. The learning never ceased. Even now, in the 7th month of my pregnancy I have not stopped learning....and while I learn, I await the peaceful, beautiful, and smooth unassisted birth of my precious child.
I knew immediately after that birth that any of my future births would take place at home. I was a few months post-partum, not pregnant again nor expecting to be anytime soon, but I started interviewing midwives. They were all wonderful. In fact, the first midwife I ever encountered, happened to be one who's words alone gave me the courage to pursue my vba2c. She may not remember me, but I will never forget how she gave me strength to pursue one of the most amazing experiences of my life. And the words of another midwife (now I consider her a very good friend) were the words that gave me the strength to achieve my vba2c. So from there, my search for a midwife began in the cold winter. I am a planner and I would be prepared if I were to become pregnant again. After interviewing several midwives, some of whom I talked with for hours on end, I gained knowledge and a new resolve to advocate for natural birth. Everything they said resonated with me. I started to see birth in a whole new light. It became clear to me that birth IS a normal thing that rarely needs interference. Again, these women may never remember their conversations with me, but I will carry with me forever the wisdom they were able to share with me.
At some point, after interviewing the midwives, I started to actually imagine my own home birth. I remembered a dream I had where I was giving birth. It was shortly after my hospital vba2c that I had this dream. The dream picked up at the moment in real life where I had left for the hospital. Instead in the dream I stayed home. My baby was born smoothly, easily, and very peacefully in my bedroom. I was the only one there. The dream didn't scare me. At the time I had the dream I didn't think much of it. It was beautiful and I equated that to the joy I felt about just giving birth.
But I started to think about this dream. I had only heard once before of a woman giving birth alone but never thought about it more after that. Until I started to imagine my own home birth and my dream kept replaying in my head. It was exactly what I wanted--a peaceful, gentle, and calm, easy birth. So I started to look into homebirth more. I came across women who did give birth alone and I came across Laura Shanley's website. Everything I read was perfectly in line with what I felt innately about birth. I couldn't stop reading or learning. I read everything I could about unassisted birth and how to prepare for one. In one sense, I had seen my own birth go so perfectly and without a single complication, but I wanted to be fully prepared for any of the unexpected possibilites.
At every opportunity I educated myself and prepared myself for my next birth. It was over a year of intense study and learning before I found out I was expecting my 4th baby. The learning never ceased. Even now, in the 7th month of my pregnancy I have not stopped learning....and while I learn, I await the peaceful, beautiful, and smooth unassisted birth of my precious child.
Friday, February 20, 2009
My new title...
As my last post mentioned my blog was previously called "vbac mama". I wanted to rename my blog to something that represents what this is all about. I went from just being a vbac advocate and mom to being an immense believer in the importance of natural birth. I advocate for that because a natural birth that is unhindered is the ultimate way to ensure not only a vbac, but to ensure the safety and health of the mom and the baby.
Here I am today...
I found my own blog today. It's obvious I haven't posted in a while. Life becomes busy with 3 small children, a work-at-home job, moving and then finding out we are expecting our 4th baby. So when I saw my own blog and that it is called "vbacmama" I was a little surprised. Yes, I have had a vbac after 2 c-sections. But I don't pigeon hole myself as that anymore. I am not really a homebirth mama either (not yet anyway!). Really, what I am is a strong believer in natural birth. I am a believer that birth is best left unhindered. The less interference the more our bodies are capable of doing what our creator has perfectly created us to do.
God created our bodies to perfectly know how to conceive a baby and to grow a baby. He created those systems to work and would not stop there. And it has become abundantly clear to me that He created birth to work.
I have been reading so much lately. Everything I can get my hands on through the library regarding birth. Pushed, Born in the USA, The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth, both of Ina May Gaskin's wonderful books, Birth Reborn, Birth Without Violence, The Power of Pleasurable Childbirth, Birthing From Within, Heart and Hands, Unassisted Childbirth by Laura Shanley, the list could go on for days if I listed the books that I have devoured over the past year and a half. I only find myself wishing there were more books, more things to read. So I find myself reading everything I can that has been published online regarding birth. Medical studies, Midwifery journals and articles on Midwifery today. If it discusses birth I am going to read it.
Obviously this has been a huge period of growth for me and I finally feel like I'm in a place where I can help other people experience a better birth. There is a strong passion behind my learning and wanting others to know that birth can be better. I want nothing more than for every woman to know that birth can be beautiful. It can be different from the horror stories we so often hear. It doesn't have to be like that. I have experienced an amazing birth after 2 c-sections and I know that beautiful birth is possible. I hope others can see that too!
God created our bodies to perfectly know how to conceive a baby and to grow a baby. He created those systems to work and would not stop there. And it has become abundantly clear to me that He created birth to work.
I have been reading so much lately. Everything I can get my hands on through the library regarding birth. Pushed, Born in the USA, The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth, both of Ina May Gaskin's wonderful books, Birth Reborn, Birth Without Violence, The Power of Pleasurable Childbirth, Birthing From Within, Heart and Hands, Unassisted Childbirth by Laura Shanley, the list could go on for days if I listed the books that I have devoured over the past year and a half. I only find myself wishing there were more books, more things to read. So I find myself reading everything I can that has been published online regarding birth. Medical studies, Midwifery journals and articles on Midwifery today. If it discusses birth I am going to read it.
Obviously this has been a huge period of growth for me and I finally feel like I'm in a place where I can help other people experience a better birth. There is a strong passion behind my learning and wanting others to know that birth can be better. I want nothing more than for every woman to know that birth can be beautiful. It can be different from the horror stories we so often hear. It doesn't have to be like that. I have experienced an amazing birth after 2 c-sections and I know that beautiful birth is possible. I hope others can see that too!
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
This is me now...
I really think that 'Transition' would be a good title for all the pages of my life. We are all, always changing, moving on, growing, learning. In the past year and a half since I entered a time of "enlightenment" I have not stopped doing all those things when it comes to birth. I've learned to question things and to look for other options. I went from someone who didn't trust birth to one who sees it as a natural process. Like everything in life it has some risk, but the less we intervene or "mess" with it, the less risk we take on. There are instances in which it is good to have the intervention, but it has become clear that the interventions are grossly overused.
And I have become more passionate about this subject than any other I've ever studied or learned. I feel revived, like I've found a new mission. And I've learned more about this, more intensely and deeply than any other subject that I've ever studied.
And I have become more passionate about this subject than any other I've ever studied or learned. I feel revived, like I've found a new mission. And I've learned more about this, more intensely and deeply than any other subject that I've ever studied.
Chapter 2: Transition
Yes, like transition this part was a little intense (ok, painful?). In December of 2006 I found out that I was pregnant. I was shocked. I had been exclusively breastfeeding and my baby was just around 9 mos. old. I had not gotten a cycle either. I knew it could happen, but thought it was very unlikely.
I believe every baby is a blessing so in spite not ever wanting to be pregnant again I was over joyed. And I realized at that point that my childish claim to never be pregnant again was just a way of saying that I never wanted to go through another terrible labor and delivery, let alone another c-section.
I knew when I had gotten pregnant. I knew when about I was due. And I knew I was pregnant. But again I went into my dr. and had it confirmed. At that first appointment he brought up the risks of being pregnant with the type of incision I had and mentioned how much more risky it would be at the end. He said that I obviously wouldn't be having a vbac because I had been cut classically. He said some people do have vbacs after 2 c-sections, but the risks with a classical incision are too great. He misquoted that 9% of babies die with vbac attempts on classicial incisions.
He said we would be scheduling the surgery at the next visit. Stunned I sat in silence trying to take in the weight of that moment. I would actually know my baby's date of delivery months in advance. At the time that actually sounded o.k. What I didn't want was a repeat of my last vbac attempt and even his mention of vbac brought me to explain how I never wanted that to happen again. I was terrified of all my options.
When we arrived home I immediately began to research elective cesareans. I didn't find much but what I did find helped me to keep looking. I also started making a c-section birth plan including anything I could think of to make the surgery better for bonding with me and my baby. During my research I came across the group "ICAN" the International Cesarean Awareness Network. They do Cesarean education. I had a hard time finding any real info on elective c-section so when I found this group I emailed one of the ICAN leaders in my area with my questions. I told her my back ground and current situation and what my plans were. She emailed me back saying "how do you know that you had a Classic incision?" My thoughts upon reading her response were "what the (insert expletive)!!!"what does she mean how do I know??" "My doctors told me I did, that's how I know!!!" So I emailed her back saying just that "My doctors told me I had a classical incision" She replied again saying "get your records and read them for yourself"
O.K. a lot of good that's going to do, right? So I sent away for them (somewhat spitefully) and meanwhile had another appt. with my regular dr. He told us at that appt. that he was going to be leaving our hospital to go to one closer to his home. The commute was taking a toll on him and he had hoped to move closer, but it just hadn't worked out due to his wife's job. So he was leaving. As if the pregnancy hormones weren't causing enough trouble, now I had to find a new doctor!
We arrived home from that appt. and my records had arrived from my c-section with my second daughter. I read through them trying to decipher the medical lingo and the only words that really made sense were the ones detailing my incision. Where I expected to read incision was made longitudinally, or classically, It instead said "incision was made in a low transverse fashion"
Huh? That means that I had the bikini cut, in the same place as my first. Now I was even more confused. Why had the dr.s, my dr. specifically, told me I was cut classically? It doesn't make sense! Apparently when they realized that I hadn't had a uterine rupture with my vbac attempt(or anything even close to one) the surgeon was able to do the low cut, the safest for future pregnancies.
So, at that point my anxiety about the complications of classic incisions is resolved, but I still don't know what to think about all of this! So I emailed the ICAN lady again. After all, she happened to be the only person who was upfront and honest with me about the situation. I just wanted to know why people had told me I was cut different than I was.
I awaited her reply. At this point I was about 3 months along and still didn't have a new doctor. I continued seeing my regular dr. as he wasn't leaving until July (about a month before I was due). until I could find a new o.b. Then I received a reply back from the ICAN lady loaded with research about vbac. She made certain to point out that the most current and comprehensive research, done by one of the top O.Bs. in the country shows that vbac after 2 cesareans (vba2c) is comparably safe as after 1 cesarean and barring any true complications such as cord prolapse or true pre-eclampsia among the few, there is no reason I shouldn't be able to have a vbac this time around.
OK, but I didn't want a repeat of last time. I didn't want to be knocked out for the delivery. I wanted to see my baby born. All these things running through my mind, but the safety of my baby was my top priority. I knew that whatever my decision was it would be with my and my baby's safety as the #1 concern.
So I did my own research. I wasn't about to take the word of my dr. anymore, and though I hold no hard feelings toward him, I didn't ever go back to his office. I stopped going before he left and after several failed attempts I found an O.B. who was supportive of my vba2c.
And I certainly wasn't going to take the word of some random internet lady. I read everything. The risks of both and what to do to make the vbac successful.
The thing that really weighed on my mind was that the c-section seemed controlled and the easy way. The research really didn't support that thought, so I started reading more on vbac.
I didn't do this at all the first time. I just went into it blindly (I thought I was educated because I knew the rupture rates--HA, in retrospect I know that's not education!!) and ended up with a c-section as a result. I learned from all my reading that there are things to do to make a vaginal birth more likely to be successful and I hadn't done ANY of those things with my first two pregnancies. I was induced with both (technically augmented with #2 as I was in early labor when they gave me the pitocin). I was on my back in bed pushing with both. I went to the hospital WAY to early in labor. I thought I was broken and that my body wouldn't work, that it needed help to work. Each those things significantly increase the liklihood of c-section according to medical studies.
I became determined to do it right this time and I knew that in the end I had to put my trust in God. If something was supposed to happen then it would no matter if I had the c-section or a vaginal birth. But at the same time I wasn't going to enter into this with my eyes closed. God gave me a brain to make decisions with!
So I read everything on natural birth and what interventions to avoid. I learned that induction increased the chance of c-section and other complications. I learned that there was NO need for an induction or pitocin in any labor unless there was a serious medical reason. The reason I was induced for my first was because she was "big" and I was past my due date I read about those things, and learned that neither are a good reason for induction. I also learned that the ultrasound they used to determine size can be off as much as 2 pounds!! And that labors that start on their own even with large babies end in a better result than labors that are induced, statistically. And statistically they end better than c-section.
I learned a lot. I knew that if I had a c-section It would be for a real reason. Not just because. And If it were for a real reason I was fine with that. I was NOT however fine with having one just because.
I had to find a new Dr. and let me tell you, it wasn't easy. Most of them just say no in spite of the research. Most of them don't know the research. Others actually fabricated statistics and research--when I asked them if I could see where they were getting their statistics from they were left speechless or fumbling their words. Or they gave me some line about how they were the dr. and I should just trust them.
Eventually I found several who would take me as a patient, and several who were willing to be hands off and let birth be what it was intended to be--no interventions, no pressure, and no scare tactics. The fact is, they were the only ones practicing evidence based medicine, and I wouldn't want a dr. who did anything but.
I knew several people who had good birth experiences at one of the hospitals and decided on the dr. who practiced there. I also toured the birth center and talked to several of the nurses. They said they treated a vbac mom just like any other mom. They were hands off and they didn't treat vbac moms like they were an accident waiting to happen. Fact was, the one nurse said, that in birth things happen and a first time mom is more likely to have complications than a vbac mom. wow! I was amazed!
As my due date approached I actually expected talk of big baby or induction, but during my last appt. on the Monday when I went into labor my dr. said, well, we'll see ya next week! No talk of being over due or anything!
I was so at peace and enjoying my pregnancy that I was actually prepared to go very overdue. But to my surprise, after my last appt. at 2:10 am on the 7th of August baby Sirianna Lee was born by vba2c, She weighed 8 pounds 14 ounces (only a few ounces smaller than My first daugther, whom they told me was "Too Big") and was 19 and a half inches long. 100% natural with only intermittent doppler monitoring (which they did maybe 2 or 3 times and only with my consent--continuous fetal monitoring is another intervention that isn't shown to improve outcomes of mom and baby. What CFM does however is reduces your mobility which is NOT a good thing during labor).
Labor happened so fast I didn't even realize it was real until we were on our way to the hospital! We called my mother-in-law at 12:45 and I almost regretted it...thinking, great, now labor is going to stop, just like it has every night for the last few weeks! (I had been having early, or prodromal labor for about 4 weeks so I really thought that's what this was) It wasn't painful, but I couldn't sleep. The contractions were random but I just felt different...By the time she got to our house (just after 1:00) I realized it was good that we called. the contractions were one on top of the other--30 seconds apart and the only real pattern that I ever had! Our hospital is @ an hour away and as soon as we pulled out of the drive way I realized it had quickly become the real deal!I told hubby on the way that we weren't going to make it to our hospital so he turned off to the hospital that is closer to our house, about 15 min away. That 15 minute drive was the only pain I felt the whole labor, and I had no break between contractions. We pulled in the parking lot and I ran to the door pushing. (I didn't know at the time I was pushing) I felt like I was going to 'go' in my pants so I went in the bathroom right inside the emergency room. I realized then that I was pushing. lol! The L&D nurse realized this and they started rushing around to get me in a room. hubby, who at first was 100% against vbac was so incredibly calm (after much struggle and forcing him to read the research I finally convinced him it around 4 mos. pregnant that was the best way to go) .
It was AMAZING. less than 1 hour from the time I realized it was real and my baby was born the way she was meant to be! And the best part was that in spite the fact that I was a vba2c and not at 'my' hospital no one freaked out!! I didn't have any IV or heplock, no constant monitoring, no pain meds nothing.(of course there was no time for any of this!) I even pushed the only way I felt comfortable--on my knees, hanging over the back of the bed, and no one complained. And I did not tear even though she came flying out! It was crazy and wonderful. I can't even begin to find words to tell how great this was. I was able to touch my baby's head when she was coming out--what motivation for pushing! And pushing was so wonderful! Pushing honestly did not hurt one bit-it actually felt good to push and in between pushing contractions I was able to relax and refocus. I totally pushed to my instincts with no coaching and no one yelling or counting. It was so calm and peaceful! Incredible considering that I had never even been to the hospital before for anything prenatal!
This was how birth should be. It was everything I was hoping for and what I hope for anyone to experience when they experience birth.
It does NOT have to be scary or dramatic. It does NOT have to be poked, prodded, or forced along. It CAN be beautiful, peaceful, and calm.
I learned I am not broken, but the system is. I had to fight for my vba2c and I had to think outside the box. I had to work through what I felt and what I had been through and that was difficult, even painful. I had to convince others around me to show support in spite what they had seen me go through with my first vbac attempt. I had to DO MY RESEARCH and use my own brain and rely on myself to make this happen. But I was also able to rely on some other wonderful people who became the first people to ever speak the truths of birth to me. They said it to me straight, honestly, and without fear. They spoke the truth to protect me from the pain once again. They didn't hold back because they knew I needed to hear it. They knew the only way to protect me from the pain was to help me see the truth, even if the truth hurt. Those people saved me and they know who they are.
I also learned for the first time in my life to put my full trust in God. He sustains and he brought me through the storms and into the light. He was with me through this entire journey. Guiding, guarding, and protecting. He opened my eyes to have ultimate trust in Him. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me...to Him be the glory.
I believe every baby is a blessing so in spite not ever wanting to be pregnant again I was over joyed. And I realized at that point that my childish claim to never be pregnant again was just a way of saying that I never wanted to go through another terrible labor and delivery, let alone another c-section.
I knew when I had gotten pregnant. I knew when about I was due. And I knew I was pregnant. But again I went into my dr. and had it confirmed. At that first appointment he brought up the risks of being pregnant with the type of incision I had and mentioned how much more risky it would be at the end. He said that I obviously wouldn't be having a vbac because I had been cut classically. He said some people do have vbacs after 2 c-sections, but the risks with a classical incision are too great. He misquoted that 9% of babies die with vbac attempts on classicial incisions.
He said we would be scheduling the surgery at the next visit. Stunned I sat in silence trying to take in the weight of that moment. I would actually know my baby's date of delivery months in advance. At the time that actually sounded o.k. What I didn't want was a repeat of my last vbac attempt and even his mention of vbac brought me to explain how I never wanted that to happen again. I was terrified of all my options.
When we arrived home I immediately began to research elective cesareans. I didn't find much but what I did find helped me to keep looking. I also started making a c-section birth plan including anything I could think of to make the surgery better for bonding with me and my baby. During my research I came across the group "ICAN" the International Cesarean Awareness Network. They do Cesarean education. I had a hard time finding any real info on elective c-section so when I found this group I emailed one of the ICAN leaders in my area with my questions. I told her my back ground and current situation and what my plans were. She emailed me back saying "how do you know that you had a Classic incision?" My thoughts upon reading her response were "what the (insert expletive)!!!"what does she mean how do I know??" "My doctors told me I did, that's how I know!!!" So I emailed her back saying just that "My doctors told me I had a classical incision" She replied again saying "get your records and read them for yourself"
O.K. a lot of good that's going to do, right? So I sent away for them (somewhat spitefully) and meanwhile had another appt. with my regular dr. He told us at that appt. that he was going to be leaving our hospital to go to one closer to his home. The commute was taking a toll on him and he had hoped to move closer, but it just hadn't worked out due to his wife's job. So he was leaving. As if the pregnancy hormones weren't causing enough trouble, now I had to find a new doctor!
We arrived home from that appt. and my records had arrived from my c-section with my second daughter. I read through them trying to decipher the medical lingo and the only words that really made sense were the ones detailing my incision. Where I expected to read incision was made longitudinally, or classically, It instead said "incision was made in a low transverse fashion"
Huh? That means that I had the bikini cut, in the same place as my first. Now I was even more confused. Why had the dr.s, my dr. specifically, told me I was cut classically? It doesn't make sense! Apparently when they realized that I hadn't had a uterine rupture with my vbac attempt(or anything even close to one) the surgeon was able to do the low cut, the safest for future pregnancies.
So, at that point my anxiety about the complications of classic incisions is resolved, but I still don't know what to think about all of this! So I emailed the ICAN lady again. After all, she happened to be the only person who was upfront and honest with me about the situation. I just wanted to know why people had told me I was cut different than I was.
I awaited her reply. At this point I was about 3 months along and still didn't have a new doctor. I continued seeing my regular dr. as he wasn't leaving until July (about a month before I was due). until I could find a new o.b. Then I received a reply back from the ICAN lady loaded with research about vbac. She made certain to point out that the most current and comprehensive research, done by one of the top O.Bs. in the country shows that vbac after 2 cesareans (vba2c) is comparably safe as after 1 cesarean and barring any true complications such as cord prolapse or true pre-eclampsia among the few, there is no reason I shouldn't be able to have a vbac this time around.
OK, but I didn't want a repeat of last time. I didn't want to be knocked out for the delivery. I wanted to see my baby born. All these things running through my mind, but the safety of my baby was my top priority. I knew that whatever my decision was it would be with my and my baby's safety as the #1 concern.
So I did my own research. I wasn't about to take the word of my dr. anymore, and though I hold no hard feelings toward him, I didn't ever go back to his office. I stopped going before he left and after several failed attempts I found an O.B. who was supportive of my vba2c.
And I certainly wasn't going to take the word of some random internet lady. I read everything. The risks of both and what to do to make the vbac successful.
The thing that really weighed on my mind was that the c-section seemed controlled and the easy way. The research really didn't support that thought, so I started reading more on vbac.
I didn't do this at all the first time. I just went into it blindly (I thought I was educated because I knew the rupture rates--HA, in retrospect I know that's not education!!) and ended up with a c-section as a result. I learned from all my reading that there are things to do to make a vaginal birth more likely to be successful and I hadn't done ANY of those things with my first two pregnancies. I was induced with both (technically augmented with #2 as I was in early labor when they gave me the pitocin). I was on my back in bed pushing with both. I went to the hospital WAY to early in labor. I thought I was broken and that my body wouldn't work, that it needed help to work. Each those things significantly increase the liklihood of c-section according to medical studies.
I became determined to do it right this time and I knew that in the end I had to put my trust in God. If something was supposed to happen then it would no matter if I had the c-section or a vaginal birth. But at the same time I wasn't going to enter into this with my eyes closed. God gave me a brain to make decisions with!
So I read everything on natural birth and what interventions to avoid. I learned that induction increased the chance of c-section and other complications. I learned that there was NO need for an induction or pitocin in any labor unless there was a serious medical reason. The reason I was induced for my first was because she was "big" and I was past my due date I read about those things, and learned that neither are a good reason for induction. I also learned that the ultrasound they used to determine size can be off as much as 2 pounds!! And that labors that start on their own even with large babies end in a better result than labors that are induced, statistically. And statistically they end better than c-section.
I learned a lot. I knew that if I had a c-section It would be for a real reason. Not just because. And If it were for a real reason I was fine with that. I was NOT however fine with having one just because.
I had to find a new Dr. and let me tell you, it wasn't easy. Most of them just say no in spite of the research. Most of them don't know the research. Others actually fabricated statistics and research--when I asked them if I could see where they were getting their statistics from they were left speechless or fumbling their words. Or they gave me some line about how they were the dr. and I should just trust them.
Eventually I found several who would take me as a patient, and several who were willing to be hands off and let birth be what it was intended to be--no interventions, no pressure, and no scare tactics. The fact is, they were the only ones practicing evidence based medicine, and I wouldn't want a dr. who did anything but.
I knew several people who had good birth experiences at one of the hospitals and decided on the dr. who practiced there. I also toured the birth center and talked to several of the nurses. They said they treated a vbac mom just like any other mom. They were hands off and they didn't treat vbac moms like they were an accident waiting to happen. Fact was, the one nurse said, that in birth things happen and a first time mom is more likely to have complications than a vbac mom. wow! I was amazed!
As my due date approached I actually expected talk of big baby or induction, but during my last appt. on the Monday when I went into labor my dr. said, well, we'll see ya next week! No talk of being over due or anything!
I was so at peace and enjoying my pregnancy that I was actually prepared to go very overdue. But to my surprise, after my last appt. at 2:10 am on the 7th of August baby Sirianna Lee was born by vba2c, She weighed 8 pounds 14 ounces (only a few ounces smaller than My first daugther, whom they told me was "Too Big") and was 19 and a half inches long. 100% natural with only intermittent doppler monitoring (which they did maybe 2 or 3 times and only with my consent--continuous fetal monitoring is another intervention that isn't shown to improve outcomes of mom and baby. What CFM does however is reduces your mobility which is NOT a good thing during labor).
Labor happened so fast I didn't even realize it was real until we were on our way to the hospital! We called my mother-in-law at 12:45 and I almost regretted it...thinking, great, now labor is going to stop, just like it has every night for the last few weeks! (I had been having early, or prodromal labor for about 4 weeks so I really thought that's what this was) It wasn't painful, but I couldn't sleep. The contractions were random but I just felt different...By the time she got to our house (just after 1:00) I realized it was good that we called. the contractions were one on top of the other--30 seconds apart and the only real pattern that I ever had! Our hospital is @ an hour away and as soon as we pulled out of the drive way I realized it had quickly become the real deal!I told hubby on the way that we weren't going to make it to our hospital so he turned off to the hospital that is closer to our house, about 15 min away. That 15 minute drive was the only pain I felt the whole labor, and I had no break between contractions. We pulled in the parking lot and I ran to the door pushing. (I didn't know at the time I was pushing) I felt like I was going to 'go' in my pants so I went in the bathroom right inside the emergency room. I realized then that I was pushing. lol! The L&D nurse realized this and they started rushing around to get me in a room. hubby, who at first was 100% against vbac was so incredibly calm (after much struggle and forcing him to read the research I finally convinced him it around 4 mos. pregnant that was the best way to go) .
It was AMAZING. less than 1 hour from the time I realized it was real and my baby was born the way she was meant to be! And the best part was that in spite the fact that I was a vba2c and not at 'my' hospital no one freaked out!! I didn't have any IV or heplock, no constant monitoring, no pain meds nothing.(of course there was no time for any of this!) I even pushed the only way I felt comfortable--on my knees, hanging over the back of the bed, and no one complained. And I did not tear even though she came flying out! It was crazy and wonderful. I can't even begin to find words to tell how great this was. I was able to touch my baby's head when she was coming out--what motivation for pushing! And pushing was so wonderful! Pushing honestly did not hurt one bit-it actually felt good to push and in between pushing contractions I was able to relax and refocus. I totally pushed to my instincts with no coaching and no one yelling or counting. It was so calm and peaceful! Incredible considering that I had never even been to the hospital before for anything prenatal!
This was how birth should be. It was everything I was hoping for and what I hope for anyone to experience when they experience birth.
It does NOT have to be scary or dramatic. It does NOT have to be poked, prodded, or forced along. It CAN be beautiful, peaceful, and calm.
I learned I am not broken, but the system is. I had to fight for my vba2c and I had to think outside the box. I had to work through what I felt and what I had been through and that was difficult, even painful. I had to convince others around me to show support in spite what they had seen me go through with my first vbac attempt. I had to DO MY RESEARCH and use my own brain and rely on myself to make this happen. But I was also able to rely on some other wonderful people who became the first people to ever speak the truths of birth to me. They said it to me straight, honestly, and without fear. They spoke the truth to protect me from the pain once again. They didn't hold back because they knew I needed to hear it. They knew the only way to protect me from the pain was to help me see the truth, even if the truth hurt. Those people saved me and they know who they are.
I also learned for the first time in my life to put my full trust in God. He sustains and he brought me through the storms and into the light. He was with me through this entire journey. Guiding, guarding, and protecting. He opened my eyes to have ultimate trust in Him. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me...to Him be the glory.
Chapter 1 part 2 "Me Back Then"
After my first c-section I wanted nothing more than to give birth naturally. I thought it was as simple as getting pregnant and going into labor on my own. Do that and I have the key to my natural birth. And then all the hurt I felt over the loss of my birth would diminish.
So the getting pregnant part was easy. Around 9 mos. post partum we found out that we were expecting our second baby! Again we went in to see our dr. and confirm the pregnancy. I went in hoping to discuss how things would go the next time around and how much I couldn't wait to give birth naturally this next time.
"Sorry" I was told. "You can't have a natural birth." "Because your first baby was a c-section you have to have another c-section." I didn't know whether to cry or vomit. I felt like doing both.
My dr. told me that it was called a "VBAC" or "Vaginal Birth After Cesarean" and it was "just too risky", I would be risking my uterus rupturing and my baby dying or me dying or needing a hysterectomy and not being able to have anymore children. I was never told the risks of the c-section, just how nice it would be to plan it and know when my baby would be born. Plus I could schedule the c-section a little before the due date, as if that were a perk. I was led to believe that the c-section was safe. I was led to believe that because it was scheduled it was somehow controlled and risk free.
I left the office feeling crushed and terrified. I only then began to realize at that point that I hated my first cesarean surgery. The thought of not being the first to hold my baby brought tears to my eyes. Thinking of everyone else being there, being the first to hold my baby also angered me. Instinctually I knew that it was me who should be doing that. I was the mom and it was my baby and it struck a jealous chord with me. There was nothing that really appealed to me about scheduling my surgery.
Inquisitive as I am by nature I went home and did a search on vbac. I found that there were moms out there having vbac's. I was confused as to why they could and I couldn't. At my next appointment I found the courage to question my dr. about this. It wasn't easy. My voice shook but I had to follow my instincts. I asked him again why I couldn't give birth naturally. I asked him some other questions about vbac and c-sections and the conversation was very biased against vbac. I recalled being told after my first c-section that I could always try for a natural birth the next time, as if that were some consolation and I mentioned this. Eventually it came out that the hospital policy had been changed since then to not allow vbac. I was very intimidated but I pushed the issue further. I asked how they could possibly enforce that 'rule', and logically thinking I asked what they would do if a mom showed up in labor pushing? He said they would still do the c-section, it was policy. I asked then, 'what if the baby was almost out? It's not like you could push the baby back in?' (this was an innocent question, though it sounds very confrontational) He then admitted that they would just deliver the baby.
I wasn't ready to give up on my hope for a vbac and our dr. mentioned the possibility of seeing another dr. just at the end. This dr. was at a hospital over an hour away--that is without traffic or bad weather. We were due in December so it was very likely that it would be a much longer drive. I had no idea at the time that I could have sought out another dr., one of my choosing and one at a hospital much closer. I only knew that I was on my way to a natural birth. I was told, however, that the baby would need to be smaller and I would have to go into labor on my own. I couldn't go too far past due either.
My baby was due on Dec. 25th. Every appointment with the new dr. went into grave detail about the risks of vbac. Not once were the risks of a c-section mentioned. In all this time, even in the moments preceeding my initial c-section, I was never told of the inherent risks of the surgery. Yet every appointment seemed to go into avid detail outlining the risks of a vbac, as if anyone who were to choose that must be selfish, crazy, or stupid.
On the 19th we saw the other dr one last time and he tried to strip my membranes. I wasn't due for nearly a week and he insisted upon doing this as it "usually helps move things along". He wasn't able to though. I was too high and closed. He told me to have my dr. do it when we went back to see him on Dec. 22. So on the 22, still 3 days before my due date my dr. was able to strip my membranes. It didn't do anything and I had no idea of the risks it involved. I didn't know it could lead to accidentally breaking my water or infections to name a few risks. I just trusted that it would help my body work to get my baby here.
At 4 days overdue I had my membranes stripped again by my dr. We also set up more BPP's (biophysical profiles) and NST's (non-stress tests) to make sure the baby was fine. I had been having braxton hicks contractions for several days. It was actually more of a start stop labor. It would start up late at night and then stop in the morning. That happened for several days until the 30th when I was certain it was not going to stop. I was told to go into the hospital at the first sign of labor so I called my in laws and my FIL drove me to the hospital. My labor stopped on the way. I showed up and was having contractions but they were so mild I could barely feel them. They were 'regular' but because I wasn't screaming in pain coupled with the fact that I lived over an hour away, they recommended augmentation of my labor with pitocin.
Remembering the intensity of the contractions with pitocin I immediately opted for the epidural. I was 3 cm. I had no idea of the risks involved with getting the epidural. I just knew that I couldn't have a repeat of my first labor with pitocin where the hospital didn't even offer epidurals. I also didn't know that I could have just refused the pitocin all together. When I had arrived I was 2-3 cm. I walked the halls and when I returned an hour later I was 4. I was progressing, but apparently not quickly enough? Again I trusted. With the epidural I had no option but to labor and push on my back. The worst combination for a successful vaginal birth. I had no instinct to push and no energy either.
I was being screamed at to push, I wanted to rest. The numerous residents who kept coming in and out of my room and commenting on the risks of vbac were wearing on me. At one point my nurse turned down my epidural completely to help me push, but I didn't know it. I felt pain and everyone screamed 'rupture'. From there I awoke thinking my baby had died. When I asked how she was I was told not to worry. Later my wonderful doula brought her to me. I was told I shouldn't get pregnant again. It was too risky. I was told I had been cut Classically (up and down) the most risky of the incisions. If I were to get pregnant I probably wouldn't carry to term and I would definitely need another c-section. After that a hysterectomy would be needed because women can't have more than 3 c-sections, it's too dangerous.
From there I went home recovering from major surgery with a toddler I couldn't lift for 6 weeks and a newborn who I had again lost out on bonding with. I felt selfish. I hated myself for wanting a vbac when I could have killed myself and my baby. I silently mourned the loss of my natural birth because no one could understand why I wanted it in the first place. And no one could understand why I couldn't just be happy that me and my baby were both alive. I silently mourned and then tried to force myself to get over it. If no one understood then what I was feeling must not be legitimate. I knew only one thing at that point: I was never getting pregnant again.
So the getting pregnant part was easy. Around 9 mos. post partum we found out that we were expecting our second baby! Again we went in to see our dr. and confirm the pregnancy. I went in hoping to discuss how things would go the next time around and how much I couldn't wait to give birth naturally this next time.
"Sorry" I was told. "You can't have a natural birth." "Because your first baby was a c-section you have to have another c-section." I didn't know whether to cry or vomit. I felt like doing both.
My dr. told me that it was called a "VBAC" or "Vaginal Birth After Cesarean" and it was "just too risky", I would be risking my uterus rupturing and my baby dying or me dying or needing a hysterectomy and not being able to have anymore children. I was never told the risks of the c-section, just how nice it would be to plan it and know when my baby would be born. Plus I could schedule the c-section a little before the due date, as if that were a perk. I was led to believe that the c-section was safe. I was led to believe that because it was scheduled it was somehow controlled and risk free.
I left the office feeling crushed and terrified. I only then began to realize at that point that I hated my first cesarean surgery. The thought of not being the first to hold my baby brought tears to my eyes. Thinking of everyone else being there, being the first to hold my baby also angered me. Instinctually I knew that it was me who should be doing that. I was the mom and it was my baby and it struck a jealous chord with me. There was nothing that really appealed to me about scheduling my surgery.
Inquisitive as I am by nature I went home and did a search on vbac. I found that there were moms out there having vbac's. I was confused as to why they could and I couldn't. At my next appointment I found the courage to question my dr. about this. It wasn't easy. My voice shook but I had to follow my instincts. I asked him again why I couldn't give birth naturally. I asked him some other questions about vbac and c-sections and the conversation was very biased against vbac. I recalled being told after my first c-section that I could always try for a natural birth the next time, as if that were some consolation and I mentioned this. Eventually it came out that the hospital policy had been changed since then to not allow vbac. I was very intimidated but I pushed the issue further. I asked how they could possibly enforce that 'rule', and logically thinking I asked what they would do if a mom showed up in labor pushing? He said they would still do the c-section, it was policy. I asked then, 'what if the baby was almost out? It's not like you could push the baby back in?' (this was an innocent question, though it sounds very confrontational) He then admitted that they would just deliver the baby.
I wasn't ready to give up on my hope for a vbac and our dr. mentioned the possibility of seeing another dr. just at the end. This dr. was at a hospital over an hour away--that is without traffic or bad weather. We were due in December so it was very likely that it would be a much longer drive. I had no idea at the time that I could have sought out another dr., one of my choosing and one at a hospital much closer. I only knew that I was on my way to a natural birth. I was told, however, that the baby would need to be smaller and I would have to go into labor on my own. I couldn't go too far past due either.
My baby was due on Dec. 25th. Every appointment with the new dr. went into grave detail about the risks of vbac. Not once were the risks of a c-section mentioned. In all this time, even in the moments preceeding my initial c-section, I was never told of the inherent risks of the surgery. Yet every appointment seemed to go into avid detail outlining the risks of a vbac, as if anyone who were to choose that must be selfish, crazy, or stupid.
On the 19th we saw the other dr one last time and he tried to strip my membranes. I wasn't due for nearly a week and he insisted upon doing this as it "usually helps move things along". He wasn't able to though. I was too high and closed. He told me to have my dr. do it when we went back to see him on Dec. 22. So on the 22, still 3 days before my due date my dr. was able to strip my membranes. It didn't do anything and I had no idea of the risks it involved. I didn't know it could lead to accidentally breaking my water or infections to name a few risks. I just trusted that it would help my body work to get my baby here.
At 4 days overdue I had my membranes stripped again by my dr. We also set up more BPP's (biophysical profiles) and NST's (non-stress tests) to make sure the baby was fine. I had been having braxton hicks contractions for several days. It was actually more of a start stop labor. It would start up late at night and then stop in the morning. That happened for several days until the 30th when I was certain it was not going to stop. I was told to go into the hospital at the first sign of labor so I called my in laws and my FIL drove me to the hospital. My labor stopped on the way. I showed up and was having contractions but they were so mild I could barely feel them. They were 'regular' but because I wasn't screaming in pain coupled with the fact that I lived over an hour away, they recommended augmentation of my labor with pitocin.
Remembering the intensity of the contractions with pitocin I immediately opted for the epidural. I was 3 cm. I had no idea of the risks involved with getting the epidural. I just knew that I couldn't have a repeat of my first labor with pitocin where the hospital didn't even offer epidurals. I also didn't know that I could have just refused the pitocin all together. When I had arrived I was 2-3 cm. I walked the halls and when I returned an hour later I was 4. I was progressing, but apparently not quickly enough? Again I trusted. With the epidural I had no option but to labor and push on my back. The worst combination for a successful vaginal birth. I had no instinct to push and no energy either.
I was being screamed at to push, I wanted to rest. The numerous residents who kept coming in and out of my room and commenting on the risks of vbac were wearing on me. At one point my nurse turned down my epidural completely to help me push, but I didn't know it. I felt pain and everyone screamed 'rupture'. From there I awoke thinking my baby had died. When I asked how she was I was told not to worry. Later my wonderful doula brought her to me. I was told I shouldn't get pregnant again. It was too risky. I was told I had been cut Classically (up and down) the most risky of the incisions. If I were to get pregnant I probably wouldn't carry to term and I would definitely need another c-section. After that a hysterectomy would be needed because women can't have more than 3 c-sections, it's too dangerous.
From there I went home recovering from major surgery with a toddler I couldn't lift for 6 weeks and a newborn who I had again lost out on bonding with. I felt selfish. I hated myself for wanting a vbac when I could have killed myself and my baby. I silently mourned the loss of my natural birth because no one could understand why I wanted it in the first place. And no one could understand why I couldn't just be happy that me and my baby were both alive. I silently mourned and then tried to force myself to get over it. If no one understood then what I was feeling must not be legitimate. I knew only one thing at that point: I was never getting pregnant again.
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